We interrupt our regular programming to bring you this special report. To use a popular Brazilian expression, we have “breaking news” about the midterm elections that will take place next week in the United States. Once again, the president has been caught in the act of impersonating Jesus Christ The Lord Our Savior!
To provide some background. During his first term as president, Donald Trump launched an audacious effort to fool Americans into believing that he is not only a man of faith, but that he is also – literally and figuratively – the living embodiment of Jesus Christ. Oh, and one other thing: That he and Jesus are Best Friends Forever.
Perhaps like us, you might think Americans would easily be able to see through these lies. Especially given recent history. After Trump lost his re-election bid in 2020, he was found guilty in two jury trials for crimes that included rape, business fraud, and illegal campaign contributions. The latter two areas of criminal activity were connected with Donald’s decision to cheat on his third wife, Melania, by starting a sexual affair with a pornographic movie star. And then there is all the graft, unconstitutional self-dealing, and abuses of office. Since winning re-election in 2024, Trump has increased his net worth by $2.7 billion and secured an unassailable position as the most venal, corrupt president in American history.
During any other time, most Americans – and especially most religious Americans – would be offended by this behavior. Just one of these outrages would be sufficient to doom a presidency. In today’s America? Not so much. In fact, in today’s America all these crimes combined do not even register as a blip on the concerns of the Republican Party.
And yet. As readers of Porcupine Press know, Trump has recently been encountering a few road bumps in the course of his Christianity con game. He has maybe been offending a few too many people, including people who consider themselves to be religious Americans and MAGA Americans.
In April, Trump posted an AI-generated image on his Truth Social account in which he depicted himself as being Jesus Christ. The blowback was so intense that the picture was only up for 13 hours! Trump was forced to delete it the next morning.
Shortly before that, on Easter Sunday, Trump took part in a luncheon at the White House that was led by his “spiritual advisor,” Paula White-Cain. Ms. White-Cain has become a multi-millionaire celebrity due to her business success as a charismatic Christian, Pentecostal pastor, and televangelist. However, it turned out this event was not, as advertised, a luncheon to celebrate Easter and the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. Rather, it was more of a party to commemorate Trump’s ascension to the realm of living deity – a kind of ordination ceremony to flatter and venerate The Holy Manchild.
Just like the AI Jesus business, this too was widely perceived to be a PR fuckup. The White House livestreamed and posted video of the ordination ceremony on its YouTube channel, but had to quickly take it all down.
Trump has frequently remarked publicly that – when you consider all the fake news, lawfare, and other shit he has had to put up with – Jesus Christ can’t really compete in his league when it comes to martyrdom, and quality and intensity of suffering. His followers never before seemed to mind when he would whine about this. But it seems that seeing Trump’s Christianity con game and pity party glorified through a televised ceremony on Easter – a ceremony led by Paula Cain-White and topped off with one of those appalling rugby/group prayer scrums – well maybe this was all a bit much, even for the MAGAverse.
So this is why it was surprising to see Trump bring back his Jesus Christ routine for the campaign rally he held on October 20 in Greenville, North Carolina. Could this be a sign that he is worried about all those opinion polls that aren’t looking too good for him and his Republican Party/cult?
We Kid You Not
Well, you can judge for yourself. Because, below, Porcupine Press has painstakingly and accurately transcribed the truly bizarre recording that was played for the rally crowd right before Trump stepped on stage. As usual, you will need to suspend your disbelief while reading the transcript. Honest to God, this is really what Trump and his handlers scripted. We did not make any of this shit up! There are no embellishments or exaggerations, not even the tiniest bit.
(The following recorded remarks are intoned by an AI-generated narrator’s voice, against the musical backdrop of a softly tinkling piano.)
“And on June 14th, 1946, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, “I need a caretaker.” SO GOD GAVE US TRUMP.
God said, “I need somebody willing to get up before dawn, fix this country, work all day, fight the Marxists, eat supper, then go to the Oval Office and stay past midnight at a meeting of the heads of state. SO GOD MADE TRUMP.
I need somebody with arms, strong enough to wrestle the deep state and yet gentle enough to deliver his own grandchild. Somebody to ruffle the feathers, tame cantankerous world economic forum, come home hungry, have to wait until the First Lady is done with lunch with friends, then tell the ladies to be sure and come back real soon. And mean it. SO GOD GAVE US TRUMP.
“I need somebody who can shape an axe, but wield a sword. Who had the courage to step foot in North Korea. Who can make money from the tar of the sand. Turn liquid to gold. Who understands the difference between tariffs and inflation, will finish his 40 hour week by Tuesday noon, but then put in another 72 hours. SO GOD MADE TRUMP.
God had to have somebody willing to go into the den of vipers, call out the fake news for their tongues as sharp as a serpent’s. The poison of vipers is on their lips, and yet stop. SO GOD MADE TRUMP.
God said, “I need somebody who will be strong and courageous. Who will not be afraid or terrified of the wolves when they attack. A man who cares for the flock. A shepherd to mankind who will never leave nor forsake them. I need the most diligent worker to follow the path and remain strong in faith and know the belief of God and country. Somebody who’s willing to drill, bring back manufacturing and American jobs, farm the lands, secure our borders, build our military, fight the system all day, and finish a hard week’s work by attending church on Sunday.
And then his oldest son turns and says, ‘Dad, let’s make America great again. Dad, let’s build back a country to be the envy of the world again.’ SO GOD MADE TRUMP.”
(Tinkling piano music fades out. Trump is introduced and strides onto the stage to a recording of Lee Greenwood singing his song, God Bless the USA. The crowd is ecstatic, but also somewhat zombified. Most of the attendees are filming the spectacle with their cellphones.)
To help readers interpret this bizarre event, we are pleased to bring you a brief commentary by our good friend and political analyst, Zé Ninguém :
Professor Zé Ninguém: “Wow. Where to even begin with this? I still feel rather stunned, but I guess the first thing that comes to mind is one big picture takeaway.
Look, I realize Porcupine Press is mostly staffed by Americans, and of course you all want to live long, happy lives. But really! It’s hard to believe the bullshit we just heard came from the president of a nation that has been the world’s leading military and economic power since World War II – a nation founded 250 years ago as a democracy, but that has fallen to such a pathetic level of degradation – that has the kind of people like those we see on television behind Trump when he speaks at his rallies – Americans who enthusiastically applaud all the hateful and dumb (spelled with a B) sewage that spews forth from his . . .
I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe it’s time that we should seriously consider putting this failed country down. Perhaps we should just put the United States out of its misery. The only problem is that it’s hard to imagine any scenario by which the USA exits the world stage gracefully. An outcome that doesn’t involve collateral damage, like planetary destruction and the deaths of millions and millions of innocent bystanders from other countries.”
Okay. Thank you professor for your thoughts.
This concludes our special coverage of the U.S. midterm elections. Thank you for joining us. And we would also like to thank the idiot on our staff who volunteered to transcribe this recording from YouTube. He had to watch the video of the rally and listen to the recording many times to create an accurate transcript. He suffered greatly, and he suffered for you – our dear readers. But fortunately, he has no desire to hijack the identity of either Jesus Christ nor The Holy Manchild.